It’s crazy to think that Stephanie and I will be getting married in just under three weeks. It seems like we were just meeting for the first time a week ago in Austin and going to the movies a little while later. It doesn’t feel like it’s been over 13 years that we’ve known each other.
I suppose that’s why people feel free to ask the most ridiculous of questions of either the both of us or just me when Steph’s not around. And I’m not just talking about questions from family, I’m talking about questions from anyone and everyone, including people I’ve met for the first time. I must have a sign on my forehead that reads “Ask Me Anything.”
In most instances, I’ve been asked the run of the mill stuff.: are you excited, have you seen her dress, are you going on a honeymoon, when are you going to have kids, to name a few. They have mainly been questions I would fully expect from people who are 1) trying to keep the small talk going or are 2) genuinely interested in hearing from Steph or me about our lives. Either way, I’m good with it because it’s a normal thing to do.
There have been some more “interesting” questions, perhaps conversations with others, who of course will remain nameless. These situations/questions are the one that made me scrunch my face a little. Take for example this conversation I had:
“So, since you’re living together in California, are you going to be staying in the same room in Hawaii,” they asked.
“Uh, yes? That’s been the plan since we made the reservations.”
“With your son there? In the same room?”
“Uh, yeah. He needs a place to sleep too.”
“Oh, well that’s interesting. Hmmm.”
“What’s so interesting about that?”
“I guess it would just be weird to get it on with him there.”
I didn’t know quite what to say at that point. I’m not sure I still know what to say to that. It’s probably safe to say I won’t be getting it on with CJ in the room. That’s just messed up but apparently it’s happened to others. Maybe that person had it happen to them when they were little and on a family trip when they were young and woke up to their parents doing the horizontal mambo. I’m not sure you can ever get that kind of image out of your mind.
Good grief, now I’m thinking of our family trips when I was little. There weren’t many so I wonder…
Here’s another one, more on the “asking too much personal information” front:
“So I take it you’re excited for the wedding to happen in November. Are you guys thinking about having kids yet?”
“Yeah, we are excited and we’ve talked about having kids already.”
“Oh yeah? That’s cool. Is she on the pill?”
“You know man, she has to be off the pill to get pregnant. You can’t have all that unprotected sex and be on the pill and expect a miracle to happen. And you gotta make sure you’re on top so it works better. You’re on top, right?”
“Did you really just ask me that? How about those Irish this weekend and the win!”
“Yeah, nice win. Look man, I was just asking because I know you’re getting older and it will suck to be the old dad and have a kid who’s 13 when you’re 60. I’m just saying.”
“I’m just saying, too. Really?”
“I don’t know why you’re getting so upset. You need a beer to wipe that look off your face. Here.”
I seriously felt like the Dave Chappelle stand up “Killing Em Softly” when he’s talking about politics and fucking his wife in the ass. Why is it okay to talk about my sex life with you but not other things. What if I don’t want to talk about that because IT’S UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!
Perhaps the one question that had me shaking my head the most, mainly because I didn’t know if I should laugh or yell, was about where I was going to live after we got married. Apparently, I must have conveyed the message to people at some point I didn’t have a place to live. Don’t as me how, when or where because I have no knowledge of this.
“So, after you get married, where are you going to live?”
“What do you mean where am I going to live? As in a house? I live in a house now.”
“No, no, like where are going to live as in if you are going to live here, in California.”
“What? Uh, I do live here in California. I met you here. We are having this conversation in the state of California.”
“Dude, I mean like where are going to live after get married. Like, if you are both going to move to Texas after you get married. Like, home, to the Lone Star State.”
“No dude, not at all. Not in the plans. I just moved here a year a go and crammed what I owned into a tiny-ass U-Haul to be with Steph. I’m not moving anytime soon. We live here.”
“I guess. I just thought you would start fresh and live somewhere new.”
I wanted to reach out and strangle them Homer Simpson style while at the same time fall to ground laughing at the ridiculousness of the conversation. More than anything I wanted to yell out, “Fool, this is somewhere new for me! I didn’t live here before! I’ve only known you for a year BECAUSE THIS WAS THE FRESH START AND SOMEPLACE NEW!”
I’m not sure that would have worked and thankfully the subject changed after that. I can now only imagine the barrage of questions that will come AFTER we get married. I’m sure that will be interesting as well.