I have a constant dialogue of comments and observations that go on in my head. This happens almost all of the time, when I’m at work or while walking around with friends. Most of the time, my mind is in the gutter. Yup, what a shocker. I laugh internally and sometimes outloud at the slightest word that I might hear from someone. For example, I was in a meeting the other day and someone at a campus kept talking about how difficult working with new software in their classroom was.
What I heard: I spent all weekend working on it and it was hard. I can’t tell you how hard. SO HARD.
What I thought: Ha ha, she said it was HARD. A lot. Hard. Ha ha ha ha ha…
I have comments like this and others all day, all the time. It’s like I have a little voice in my head that just doesn’t turn off. I will say my voice isn’t all dirty; some of my thoughts are just reactions to something that happens or something I see. It’s almost like there’s a constant episode of Beavis and Butthead in my head.
It got me thinking how many different things have I thought about AND how many things other people might think about but just don’t say. I know I’m not the only one who thinks, or at least I hope, so I compiled some that I have had and some I have heard of from other people.
Yes, some are absurd, but, “Dammit Beavis,” they are just too funny not to write.
- “When will it stop coming out of my butt!” while suffering from diarrhea.
- “Man, I hope no one thought that was me,” when you accidentally fart in an elevator or elsewhere.
- “Please God, don’t let me get a boner in front my hot boss.” (Also applicable while getting a massage and lying down on your back or getting your teeth cleaned. Mainly anything where you aren’t supposed to move or can’t hide a boner.)
- “Damn it, I forgot to brush my teeth! Please let me have some gum in my backpack,” as you walk in the door to work.
- “Whew, that was close! I hope no one saw that,” after you trip on a sidewalk crack.
- “What’s their name, what’s their name, what’s their name … ‘Heeeeyyyyyy … there…'” when you can’t remember someone’s name.
- “Fuck, I think I just called him the wrong name. Oh, wait… did someone else say the same name? Nope, I sure did. Damnit! Great, now I just got the stink eye.”
- “Shit, the paper tore again!” as you wipe your ass.
- “Seriously, my fly has been down and no one told me!” (Also applicable to a booger in your nose or something in your teeth.)
- “I hope no one noticed I was away for very long,” when you go to take a “quick” poop.
- “Good grief, what is that smell? Wait, is that my armpit? Son of a …”
- “Man that fart felt good. Wait, that might have been too good. Awe man… I just sharded!”